3.3 The Faces are in the Freezer

Ooh it's chilly here. Not just because we're inside a refrigerated unit. Something menacing has descended upon this corner of the underworld - and justice is about to be served cold. The boss has found an excellent, albeit terrifying, way to get people to talk. But watch out. Listen too long to The Big Muddler and you'll soon be spilling secrets yourself. 

Fortunately there are distractions. Let's join another radio phone-in - though don't those callers sound suspiciously famous? And they seem poetically scripted... No matter, let's now head down the music hall. It's that classic singalong With Her 'Ead Tucked Underneath Her Arm, crucified here by host Matthew Crampton, though he's ably aided by pianist Dorian Ford and a fine chorus (including, most audibly, the late and much loved Jan North). Today's Listed Jokes, would you believe it, are all about banjos - though we're just 'picking' the surface of the mountain of such material. 

Cowboys are the theme for this week's edition of The Rest is Jollity. Smitten by the Texan craze that's wafting through town, Melbury adopts the persona of Bronco Swanage - The Dorset Kid - and insists on singing classic Western toons. Matravers is understandably shocked by this cosplay cowpokery, yet nonetheless joins in on The Trail of the Lonesome Pine. 

If that wasn't enough, we also hear from sponsor Ruislip Robots. This week they're promoting their Forever Friends - your chance to embrace technology, quite literally, with a robot date that's constantly compliant and configured to your needs. 

Gosh, what a bundle of baloney. Once again Matthew Crampton was responsible for writing, performing and producing this audio 'entertainment'. Do get in touch with him if you have any complaints, concerns or - god forbid - compliments. Please do. The silence is killing him.

Daffodils (William Wordsworth) read by Flora Robson) on Poetry Choice / Legendary Voices Alto ALN1938 https://altocd.com/product/poetry-choice-legendary-voices/

Shall I Compare Thee to a Summer’s Day? Sonnet No. 18, (William Shakespeare) read by Anthony Quayle on Poetry Classics: Great Voices Alto ALN1918 https://www.prestomusic.com/classical/products/7990331--poetry-classics-great-voices

industry noise small electrical transformer by Garuda1982 -- https://freesound.org/s/635185/ -- License: Attribution 4.0

CAVE - pebble falling down,echo (SFX).wav by HermanDV -- https://freesound.org/s/327110/ -- License: Attribution NonCommercial 3.0

FGHTImpt_Punch Sounds Strong_Guilherme, Gabriel, Leonardo_DSBA by posdesigndesom -- https://freesound.org/s/847838/ -- License: Attribution 4.0

Muzak 3 by TeffyD1 -- https://freesound.org/s/752531/ -- License: Attribution 4.0

Transcript

Speaker 3 0:06

So we got everybody here.

Speaker 2 0:08

Yeah.

Speaker 3 0:09

Snickers Moran? Yeah. Tojo Kabooby? Yeah. Bunker Malays. Think so. Think so? Yeah, he's here. Solgo Lightly? Yeah. Pestle? Yeah. Who's that guy from the lighthouse? Pat ya Toochie. Pat Yatochi. Is he here? Yeah. You sure? Yeah. What about Stroll Carefully? What? Stroll Carefully? Yeah, he's here. Joe Fontaine? Yeah. Graham Lightwater. Who's that? Oh not him. He's my dentist. Who else should be here? Sandy Bottom. How could I forget? Except I just did. Stan Pajinski. He's still alive. Sure is. And he's here. Right. That's good. And they're all in the freezer, are they? Hanging sweet. They're okay though. I said be firm, but don't be rough. Don't worry, they're okay. And they're excited to see ya. I'll bet they are.

Speaker 2 1:06

Let's go say hello.

Speaker 3 1:18

Now gentlemen, we've had peace in this town for ten years. Ten years. You've all made a lot of money. It's been good. Even when it was bad, it was good. And all this time I've ensured that peace. Yeah. I mean, sometimes I had to kick some heads when some idiots got out of line. Still, all this time we've made money. But now maybe some of you have got a bit lazy, a bit forgetful, a bit greedy. Hell has broken out. I need to know who's behind it, and you are gonna tell me. Boss, we don't know nothing. I swear it, I'd tell you if I knew. Time for you to try a little harder. Oh come on, boss. Now who's gonna talk? No, I don't think so. Maybe this'll jog your memory.

Speaker 4 2:15

Ow! Ow!

Speaker 3 2:18

You want some more? Harry, please! How can we help you if we don't know? This trouble hurts us too. Wrong answer. Ow I can see I'll need a new form of persuasion. What's going on? Kidneys, get the tape. You sure, boss. Get the tape. Let me talk to them some more. I can be persuasive. I'm sick of talking. Get the tape. It could be dangerous. You wanna join them up there? Alright, boss. Now, gentlemen. Me and my colleagues are just gonna put on some headphones. Oh dear. We don't seem to have enough for you. Well, you're just gonna have to listen to what comes out of that machine. You ready? Oh, please don't do this. It's your last chance. But we know nothing. Right, maybe this will help focus your mind. Kidneys, give me those headphones. I can see your lips moving, but I can't hear you. Oh please stop it's killing us!

Speaker 4 3:21

Help us, help go!

Speaker 3 3:25

You'll have to shout a bit louder. Not long to go. You'll find that it's nothing as persuasive as The Big Muddler.

Welcome

Speaker 3 3:56

Once there was a world without the Big Muddler, but that world is gone, and it's no use pining for its return. Yeah, it's time to get used to this new reality. Where weak gags and painful pastiche can strike at any moment. So keep your ears peeled. Welcome

Phone-in

Speaker 3 4:25

back to our special Nature Watch Phone In. Let's turn straight away to one of our more dependable listeners. This is Robson. I understand you're up in the Lake District, Flora. Tell us about it.

Speaker 4:36

I wandered lonely as a cloud.

Speaker 3 4:38

Are you on one of those singles holidays?

Speaker 4:41

That floats on high o'er vales and hills.

Speaker 3 4:44

Ooh, a ballooning trip.

Speaker 4:45

When all at once I saw a crowd a host of golden daffodils.

Speaker 3 4:50

Not so bad. I do like daffodils. Were there many about?

Speaker 4:54

Ten thousand sway at a glance, tossing their heads in strikely diamonds.

Speaker 3 4:59

Could you count them from up in the sky?

Speaker 5:01

Continuous little stars that shine and twinkle on the Milky Way. They stretched in never-ending lines.

Speaker 3 5:08

So that ten thousand's more an estimate than a precise number. Mrs. Robson? Are you still there? Oh dear, we seem to have lost her. Though truth be told, she already sounded rather lost. Well, there's time for one more caller. We've got Anthony in Stratford. What's happening where you are, Mr. Quail?

Speaker 6 5:28

Rough winds do shake the darling buds of May.

Speaker 3 5:31

Yes, they told us about that on the one o'clock news.

Speaker 6 5:33

And summer's lease hath all too short a date.

Speaker 3 5:35

This happens every year. We get a wet patch in late spring, and people say summer's over. That's true. We don't all like the heat.

Speaker 6 5:46

But thy eternal summer shall not fade.

Speaker 3 5:49

Yes, but would we actually want eternal summer? I'd have to spend my life watering.

Speaker 6 5:53

Nor shall death brag thou wanderst in his shade, when in eternal lines to time thou growest.

Speaker 3 6:00

Not with you there, Anthony.

Speaker 6 6:01

So long as men can breathe or eyes can see, so long lives this, and this gives life to thee.

Speaker 3 6:08

Hmm. Yes, well, uh, thanks for that. Another cryptic caller. Maybe we'll have better luck tomorrow. And talking of tomorrow, we've got a special guest in the studio. Yes, it's Thirsty Thursday with Beaujolais Bob. Once again, he'll tell us about some bargains in the bin, some value vintages for you to quaff. And he'll be here at about, hmm, well, why no clock?

Muddler Live 1 - With her 'Ead Tucked Underneath Her Arm

Speaker 3 6:41

Hey, what's happening at Muddler Live? Ha ha ha.

Speaker 1 6:47

We want it to hold it the right way. You've already been enjoying his figures this evening, and now let me welcome you to Mr. Dorian Ford, our musical director. Dorian spent many years at the Royal College of Music. And when he left, they were unanimous in saying he was the finest caretaker they've ever had. Um our first tomorrow tonight is uh a sad.

Speaker 3 7:25

It's actually a little bit sadder than that.

Speaker 1 7:29

I think it's actually even a bit sadder than that. But it's not that sad. It's a tale of a woman who had a haircut. She suffered a cruel, cruel fate at the hands of a cruel man, and she comes to get revenge in the chair of lantern, large as life, the ghost of Anberlyn walks, they declare. Oh yes, he did a wrong long years ago. And now she comes each night to tell him so underneath her own. She comes to King Henry, she means giving it a ball. She's got a temple for making her feel so And just the hasty heads once and on.

Speaker 4 9:10

She's got her head, suck, eat her head. She locked the crafty corridors for miles and miles she goes. She often catches cold poffin.

Speaker 1 9:41

It's cold there when it blows.

Speaker 3 9:44

And it's awfully off before the free. She have to blow a cow.

Speaker 4 9:56

Sometimes Henry likes.

Listed Jokes - Banjo jokes

Speaker 3 10:13

So tell them every day those listed jokes. Today's listed jokes are all about banjos. Yes, banjos. Unfair, I know, but so's life. Let's start with a classic. What's the definition of perfect pitch? That's the sound of a banjo being thrown into a rubbish skip. And even more perfect pitch? That's a banjo being thrown into a skip and they're landing on some bagpipes. Next up, what's the difference between a banjo and a trampoline? Well, you take your shoes off to jump on a trampoline. And what you call a beautiful woman on a banjo player's arm. Utter two. That also works for drummers and viola players. Now this person drives to the city and parks, leaving their banjo on the back seat. When they return, the car's window is broken. And now there are two banjos in the back. Finally, my favorite. This is a vintage treat I've been telling for years. Two cowboys are travelling together when they're captured by bandits. We're gonna kill you, say the bandits. Do you have any last request? The first cowboy says, Could you go to my mule and bring back my dear mama's old banjo? Every night I like to play my old mama's favorite song on her banjo. And before I die, I'd like to play it one more time. Alright, say the bandits. Then they ask the second cowboy, What's your request? And he says, Can you kill me first? They're old, they're creaky. They need some love, so tell them every day those listed jokes.

The Rest is Jollity - Cowboys

Speaker 3 12:07

It's been a while since we heard from the Jollity Boys. I wonder what they're up to. Say goodbye to sadness, bid farewell to fear, dance around the kitchen, have another beer. Outside it may be raining, but that don't bother me. But now the party's started, the rest is jollity. Howdy, partner. Is it pantomime season? Oh, yeah me, old buckaroo. Oh dear, not you as well.

Speaker 2 12:59

Why?

Speaker 3 13:00

This cowboy craze is out of control. You just a yellow baley. Ever since that dreadful Harry Lester and his Hases came to town, everybody fancies they're from Texas. And what's your name? Bronco Swanage, the Dorset Kid. Oh dear. Is that a ukulele? Sure is. Are you going to use it? Try and stop me. Shine on Shine on Harvest Moon up in the sky. I ain't had no love and since January, February, June, or July. So shine on, shine on this moon for me and my girl. Oh, give me a home where the buffalo roam, and I'll show you a carpet covered in manure. Oh, don't be a sour puss. Gosh, are you going to sing again? You are. Roll along, covered wagon, roll along. To the turn of your wheels and sing a song. Sitting later's name is fine, but give me that girl of mine. Roll along, cover wagon, roll along. Millers, you're from devices, not Dodge City. Whippity, I oh, old timer. Heading for your ranch house door. Whippity, I oh, old timer. Corral me, so I'll never stray no more. Oh, please stray. As far as you can from here. It must be so boring to be a cowboy out on your own miles from civilization. And you must feel sick from all that rolling. From what? You know, the rolling. Like this? Roll along. Prairie moon. Roll along. Why like room? Shine above. Lamp of blood. Prairie moon. That's not the moon, that's smoke. Way up there in the blue. Maybe you're only two swinging by in the sky. Prairie moon. Peace at last. I need your tender life. Oh dear. To make things right. You know I'm so alone tonight. Far away. Shed your beams on the girl of my dreams. Tell her to I've been true. Prairie moon. I'm perfectly happy with my London moon. It's clean and white and doesn't roll anywhere. Aren't you happy here? Oh, give me land, lots of land on the starry skies above. Don't fence me in. No one's fencing you in. Let me ride through the wide open country that I love. Don't fence me in. Let me be by myself in the evening breeze. And listen to the murmur of the cottonwood trees. Send me up forever, but I ask you please. Please sing and tune. Don't fence me in. Just turn me a loose, let me straddle my saddle, and then you can straddle your old saddle somewhere else. Why not? Norfolk. Yes, that's wide open country that I love. Why don't you sing about Norfolk? Maybe the Sheriff from Sheddingham. The Blue Moon of Kings Lynn. Or the Lonesome Trail to Thetford. You should give us a song, Worthy. God know. I can just see you on the ranch riding your trusty mule. I'd rather ride my rusty stool here at Broadcasting House. But Worthy, you must know some Western ballads. Of course not. Maybe when Noel Coward writes a cowboy song, then I'll sing it. But he did. Really? Yes. Don't put your daughter on the stage, Mrs. Worthington. Very funny. Well, if you insist, I do have an American joke. What is Bugs Bunny's favorite song? I've no idea. Then I shall tell you, please do. Or indeed I shall sing you. Yes. Bugs Bunny's favorite song. I dream about it. That's quite funny for you. Now, Mellons, can you take off that silly hat? It's hard to concentrate when I'm sitting opposite Buffalo Bill's pirate nephew. What? I think they fooled you at the fancy dress shop. That hat's not from Oklahoma. It's from the pirates of Penzance. But then again, if anyone asks you, where are your buccaneers? Yes. You can say they're under your buccane hat. Very good worthy. You're on fire today. I can see my costume has sparked that rare commodity. What rare commodity? Your wit. Get off the gas stove, grandpa. You're too old to be riding the range. Oh, I went down south for to see my gal. Singing poly wally doodle all the way. Really all the way. My south, she's a pretty gal. Sing poly wally doodle all the day. Very well. Very well, my fairy face. I'm off to Louisiana for to see my Susie Anna, singing Polly Wally Doodle all the day. Have you actually ever been to the Wild West? I went to Plymouth once. Goodness, why? Not sure. Something to do with Billy Cotton and Bananas. Were there any cowboys there? Well, apart from the manager of the Palace Theatre, no. What happened? Don't ask, but I am asking. And so is our listener. Now I remember. And you were there too. No. You were. We sang together. Really? Not on stage. At the fisherman's arms. It was um at 41. The company drank there after the show. Did we? You do remember the war. Of course. I clearly recall each hun I shot. You never left these shores. They also serve who only stand and wait. That's funny, because I couldn't stand waiting for you, Hun, to share. But you do remember what we sang. I have no recollection whatsoever. It was that song by Laurel and Hardy. Did they sing beautifully? And best of all, it was a cowboy song. Let's sing it together now. I'll never remember it. You didn't then? Anyway, you don't have to. I'll sing the song. You join in. In the pale moonshine, a hearts entwined, where she carved her name, and I carved mine, all chew. Like the mountains, I'm blue, like the pine. I'm lonesome for you. In the blue ridge mountains of the gym yard on the trail of the lonesome pine. Say goodbye to sadness. Bid farewell to fear. Dance around the kitchen. Have another beer. Outside it may be raining, but that don't bother me. For now the part's started, the rest is jollity. Would

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Speaker 3 21:01

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Muddler Live 2 - More With Her 'Ead...

Speaker 3 22:25

know that song's still going on at Muddler Live.

Speaker 1 22:34

Sometimes Henry likes to throw a spread for all his pals and gals, the ghostly crew. The Edsman carves the joint and cuts the bread.

Speaker 3 22:49

Then in comes Anne Boleyn to queer the doom. She holds her head up with a wild war whoop.

Speaker 4 22:59

And Ednery cries, Don't drop it in the soon. She won something.

Speaker 1 23:27

The centrist think that it's a football that she carries it. When they play the few, the shop is also gonna win. She looks more like a goblin instead of an bully.

Speaker 4 23:50

She walks.

Speaker 1 24:05

He was in the canteen bar. He said, Are you? J Seymour and Blinore.

Speaker 4 24:14

Catherine Hore Sweet Sandri. Do I know who you are? With your last

Farewell words

Speaker 4 24:29

time.

Speaker 3 24:57

Ah, the sweet refrains of Muddler Live. If only they would refrain, but they won't. No, the Big Muddler is like a tsunami of stale syncopation, shattering the rhythm of life with shoulders of jarring chisel. Now, this is the end of episode 3.3. Which means we're halfway through the third season. And you've got a week or so of peace before the next awful installment. What are you going to do with that time? Will you cram blood and purpose into your endeavors? Will you fill each hour with hard wrought achievement? Or will you simply slump back into your life of negligent unease, answering the sofa's siren call as it beckons you back to another set? Hmm. Indecisions, indecision. Meantime, the orchestrator of this order will busy himself with more nonsense. Yes, Matthew Crampton is responsible for the Big Muddler. This week he was joined by pianist Dorian Ford. Next time, who knows? You'll just have to wait to find out.